Just to Clarify

I took down the last post, "My Blog, My Rules," because I realized that it might have caused some confusion. If your comments are still on my blog, that post wasn't directed at you. I appreciate and value 99 percent of the comments I receive. And while the overall plan is to continue to take this site down, I'm still posting so obviously I've taken what you've said into consideration.

As an FYI, comment moderation is now on.

For Millie

. . . because she wanted me to post again. She may rue that decision but I am sure that all of you were waiting anxiously for the follow-up on the "Finally!!!" lady.

Well, she had her baby and sent the following email:

"Hi gals!
>
> Just wanted to let you know we had our baby girl on Monday! Her name is
XYZ and she weighed blah, blah, blah. I can’t
believe she was so little! T (my oldest) weighed 2 pounds more!
>
> I actually came home yesterday---by the time your third comes around, you
are ready to just come home and get back in the swing of things. . . ."

Let me just highlight that for you in case you missed it: "by the time your third comes around".

I could add something smart or snide or bitter here but instead I am moving on.

Some of you extremely astute folks may have noticed some posts disappearing. I am preparing to take this blog down, but I wanted to save the posts and the lovely comments in particular so that I'll know what happened and how I felt and how the people in the Internets helped me cope. (Well, except for the always anonymous little shits who can't seem to write anything nice.)

I also thought it was time to get rid of my most-googl.ed post: I Don't Feel Pregnant. I even changed the title to I Don*t Feel Pregnant but fertiles still came. When I wrote that post, I didn't feel pregnant, and I wasn't, but based on tracking reports most of the women who find that post are pregnant. They just don't have any symptoms. So all the "14w don't feel pregnant" or 24w don't feel pregnant" folks will have to just go find someone who actually is pregnant to empathize.

So this may or may not be the last post--I've teased you before, but I have decided against starting a new blog or going password protected. It just seems like a whole lot of effort for this dribble, eh?

Enfin!

No, not that kind of finally!!! I mean finally as in I can finally access my own freaking blog.

A few months ago I considered stopping blogging. I wasn't actively pursuing Western infertility treatments. I wasn't sure if I ever would again. Still not sure on that one.

I was afraid about who was reading my blog. Still worried about that one.

I also began to feel like the last late 30-something infertile not to get knocked up by having sex. (I know I'm exaggerating but for a while it was a little more than I could handle.)

So I was still wondering whether to take my blog down. And then I found out that I had inadvertently locked myself out of my own blog. (Probably should have paid attention then. Just yesterday I inadvertently locked myself out of neighbor's house. I am supposed to be looking after their dogs and cats while they vacation in Mexico. Instead I somehow managed to break the key off in the lock. And their cell phone numbers? Inside. On the table. Through the locked door.)

I digress.

Being the big sign believer that I am, I saw being locked out of my own blog as a sign to stop. Okay, well I'm not sure if I can really consider that action on my part, or laziness.

The worst part of it was that I was also unable to comment on blogs. And I wished I could have left some note of comfort for some of you.

I finally decided that I had to get access to my blog, to take it down and say goodbye if nothing else. Several emails with blogger later, I am back in. (Word to the wise: if you created your blog when you had tears streaming down your face and were an emotional wreck who was desperately trying to hide her identity, you might want to write down things like the fictitious name you used to create your blog. Comes in handy. Just telling you.)

So where does this leave me now? I don't know. We aren't actively pursuing treatment and even if we do, and if we get a miracle, I'm no longer sure I could post that information here. I certainly wouldn't want some people to learn of that happy fact here before I would tell people I really wanted to know. (Not most of you, just the folks from my hometown whom I worry are peering in.)

And I no longer feel defined by my infertility. Sure it still hurts when the woman who two years ago cornered your husband for 45 minutes at a party to expound on why she would never have children because she wouldn't want to ruin her figure or her career sends a mass email announcing her pregnancy, but the hurt doesn't last as long.

I can hang out with kids (the wonderful MH visited again for a week. She bothered her parents night and day until she could come visit again.). I can even hang out with babies and postpartum mothers. I don't think I will ever want or be willing to hang out with complaining pregnant women, but that may turn out to be less about their pregnancy than their need to complain.

And for Easter, the consummate holiday about eggs, I will be having brunch with five other nonparents, enjoying the chance to drink Bloody Marys and to eat my own damn candy.