"What Size is Your Family?"
Yesterday I spent all day with a bunch of women--about 40--that I didn't know very well and had not meant in person. I was very much looking forward to the event but was anxious about the moment when they would all start to discuss their children and/or grandchildren. I had prepared some answers in advance to the questions that might come my way. If I have answers prepared in advance, I am less likely to get emotional and/or cry. This event was not the place for discussing infertility, and I didn't want the IF part of my life to intrude in this part of my life, which has brought me some salvation from the IF ogre.
Fortunately, those "mommy" moments were brief and primarily limited to a car ride with just three of the other women. They talked about the bargaining with the husbands over childcare, blah blah blah, etc. I know these are important topics, bonding topics for mothers, but I usually just zone out until they are over.
One of the other women noticed. I knew the question I had been dreading was coming over the headrest. But then she asked it in such a sweet way, "What size is your family?" that I almost started crying because I felt so touched. I wish all people could ask in that way. It acknowledged that we--my husband and I--are already a family. It was an open-ended question, so my answer didn't completely stop the conversation or lead to an awkward pause as my answer to the "do you have kids?" question usually does.
Out of all the wonderful events and experiences yesterday--and there were many--the one that made me the happiest and has stuck with me the most is that question. I found out later that the woman who asked it is a therapist. She must be a good one.
I wish all fertiles could use such language that includes us instead of excluding us.
Fortunately, those "mommy" moments were brief and primarily limited to a car ride with just three of the other women. They talked about the bargaining with the husbands over childcare, blah blah blah, etc. I know these are important topics, bonding topics for mothers, but I usually just zone out until they are over.
One of the other women noticed. I knew the question I had been dreading was coming over the headrest. But then she asked it in such a sweet way, "What size is your family?" that I almost started crying because I felt so touched. I wish all people could ask in that way. It acknowledged that we--my husband and I--are already a family. It was an open-ended question, so my answer didn't completely stop the conversation or lead to an awkward pause as my answer to the "do you have kids?" question usually does.
Out of all the wonderful events and experiences yesterday--and there were many--the one that made me the happiest and has stuck with me the most is that question. I found out later that the woman who asked it is a therapist. She must be a good one.
I wish all fertiles could use such language that includes us instead of excluding us.
posted by zhl at 3:36 PM
7 Comments:
Great topic.
I often think about what I wish they wouldn't say, but I've never given that much thought to what would be better.
I'll have to think about that one.
I'm not even sure how "what size is your family?" would have struck me. It may depend on the moment in my case. There are days I would take offense even to that.
Sigh. I think I have some work to do on this topic.
Glad you had a good time overall!
I'm with Beagle -- not sure how that question would strike me. I guess it would depend on the person & the mood I was in. Obviously, it struck a chord with you! & the woman's intentions were sincere. Glad you had a good time. I usually find myself
zoning out during mommy talk too.
I agree that in the wrong situation that comment might have set me off as well. She just said it such a sweet way that it didn't piss me off.
It might have also helped that I had imagined such horrible scenarios in advance that her question was innocuous compared to all the other questions I imagined coming my way.
I'm glad her phrasing was different from what you imagined. I like the phrasing because it does imply that any size is ok.
I always appreciate anyone who tries to be considerate and/or inclusive. I try hard to do that myself now but I wasn't nearly sensitive enough before infertility. I wish we all new the pain our words could cause and how to prevent that.
I don't much dare asking people if they have kids anymore. I reckon that kids will come up in conversation anyway if there are any.
I'm glad this way of asking agreed with you so well.
This made me choke up. I love hearing that every once in a while we can come across sensitive people.
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