Signs You've Been At This Too Long *Updated*

+You get all excited that your period is late. Well, what some women would call normal, 28 days and counting 31days. But you aren't pregnant; two tests and a period have proven that.

+In fact, you read up on cycle lengths and learn that increasingly short cycles (like the 21 day-ers you've had on and off for the last year) followed by a long cycle is a sign of the other P word, freaking perimenopause, not pregnancy.

+Your husband, who is traveling, calls to say that you are no longer going to visit his family this weekend because he can't. You immediately ask, "Who's pregnant?" and ding, ding, ding, you're right.

The niece who had a shotgun wedding the first month you were trying and got pregnant for a second time days after your mother died is indeed pregnant, for the THIRD* time since you've been trying. And she's not even 25 years old.

*IT'S TWINS. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

+Your nieces on your side of the family are old enough to have email accounts and to have them hacked resulting in your getting emails like this moments after you get off the phone with said husband: "i hate you aunt z your fucken anoyang ass fuck shit you are gowen to go to hell." My name, her name, and the names of her brother and sister were included. I just finished deleting the account for her.

+You are within seconds of publishing this post to your freakin' GARDEN blog where people think you are normal and optimistic and don't curse.

What is that T. says? Good times, good times.

"What Size is Your Family?"

Yesterday I spent all day with a bunch of women--about 40--that I didn't know very well and had not meant in person. I was very much looking forward to the event but was anxious about the moment when they would all start to discuss their children and/or grandchildren. I had prepared some answers in advance to the questions that might come my way. If I have answers prepared in advance, I am less likely to get emotional and/or cry. This event was not the place for discussing infertility, and I didn't want the IF part of my life to intrude in this part of my life, which has brought me some salvation from the IF ogre.

Fortunately, those "mommy" moments were brief and primarily limited to a car ride with just three of the other women. They talked about the bargaining with the husbands over childcare, blah blah blah, etc. I know these are important topics, bonding topics for mothers, but I usually just zone out until they are over.

One of the other women noticed. I knew the question I had been dreading was coming over the headrest. But then she asked it in such a sweet way, "What size is your family?" that I almost started crying because I felt so touched. I wish all people could ask in that way. It acknowledged that we--my husband and I--are already a family. It was an open-ended question, so my answer didn't completely stop the conversation or lead to an awkward pause as my answer to the "do you have kids?" question usually does.

Out of all the wonderful events and experiences yesterday--and there were many--the one that made me the happiest and has stuck with me the most is that question. I found out later that the woman who asked it is a therapist. She must be a good one.

I wish all fertiles could use such language that includes us instead of excluding us.