Enfin!
No, not that kind of finally!!! I mean finally as in I can finally access my own freaking blog.
A few months ago I considered stopping blogging. I wasn't actively pursuing Western infertility treatments. I wasn't sure if I ever would again. Still not sure on that one.
I was afraid about who was reading my blog. Still worried about that one.
I also began to feel like the last late 30-something infertile not to get knocked up by having sex. (I know I'm exaggerating but for a while it was a little more than I could handle.)
So I was still wondering whether to take my blog down. And then I found out that I had inadvertently locked myself out of my own blog. (Probably should have paid attention then. Just yesterday I inadvertently locked myself out of neighbor's house. I am supposed to be looking after their dogs and cats while they vacation in Mexico. Instead I somehow managed to break the key off in the lock. And their cell phone numbers? Inside. On the table. Through the locked door.)
I digress.
Being the big sign believer that I am, I saw being locked out of my own blog as a sign to stop. Okay, well I'm not sure if I can really consider that action on my part, or laziness.
The worst part of it was that I was also unable to comment on blogs. And I wished I could have left some note of comfort for some of you.
I finally decided that I had to get access to my blog, to take it down and say goodbye if nothing else. Several emails with blogger later, I am back in. (Word to the wise: if you created your blog when you had tears streaming down your face and were an emotional wreck who was desperately trying to hide her identity, you might want to write down things like the fictitious name you used to create your blog. Comes in handy. Just telling you.)
So where does this leave me now? I don't know. We aren't actively pursuing treatment and even if we do, and if we get a miracle, I'm no longer sure I could post that information here. I certainly wouldn't want some people to learn of that happy fact here before I would tell people I really wanted to know. (Not most of you, just the folks from my hometown whom I worry are peering in.)
And I no longer feel defined by my infertility. Sure it still hurts when the woman who two years ago cornered your husband for 45 minutes at a party to expound on why she would never have children because she wouldn't want to ruin her figure or her career sends a mass email announcing her pregnancy, but the hurt doesn't last as long.
I can hang out with kids (the wonderful MH visited again for a week. She bothered her parents night and day until she could come visit again.). I can even hang out with babies and postpartum mothers. I don't think I will ever want or be willing to hang out with complaining pregnant women, but that may turn out to be less about their pregnancy than their need to complain.
And for Easter, the consummate holiday about eggs, I will be having brunch with five other nonparents, enjoying the chance to drink Bloody Marys and to eat my own damn candy.
A few months ago I considered stopping blogging. I wasn't actively pursuing Western infertility treatments. I wasn't sure if I ever would again. Still not sure on that one.
I was afraid about who was reading my blog. Still worried about that one.
I also began to feel like the last late 30-something infertile not to get knocked up by having sex. (I know I'm exaggerating but for a while it was a little more than I could handle.)
So I was still wondering whether to take my blog down. And then I found out that I had inadvertently locked myself out of my own blog. (Probably should have paid attention then. Just yesterday I inadvertently locked myself out of neighbor's house. I am supposed to be looking after their dogs and cats while they vacation in Mexico. Instead I somehow managed to break the key off in the lock. And their cell phone numbers? Inside. On the table. Through the locked door.)
I digress.
Being the big sign believer that I am, I saw being locked out of my own blog as a sign to stop. Okay, well I'm not sure if I can really consider that action on my part, or laziness.
The worst part of it was that I was also unable to comment on blogs. And I wished I could have left some note of comfort for some of you.
I finally decided that I had to get access to my blog, to take it down and say goodbye if nothing else. Several emails with blogger later, I am back in. (Word to the wise: if you created your blog when you had tears streaming down your face and were an emotional wreck who was desperately trying to hide her identity, you might want to write down things like the fictitious name you used to create your blog. Comes in handy. Just telling you.)
So where does this leave me now? I don't know. We aren't actively pursuing treatment and even if we do, and if we get a miracle, I'm no longer sure I could post that information here. I certainly wouldn't want some people to learn of that happy fact here before I would tell people I really wanted to know. (Not most of you, just the folks from my hometown whom I worry are peering in.)
And I no longer feel defined by my infertility. Sure it still hurts when the woman who two years ago cornered your husband for 45 minutes at a party to expound on why she would never have children because she wouldn't want to ruin her figure or her career sends a mass email announcing her pregnancy, but the hurt doesn't last as long.
I can hang out with kids (the wonderful MH visited again for a week. She bothered her parents night and day until she could come visit again.). I can even hang out with babies and postpartum mothers. I don't think I will ever want or be willing to hang out with complaining pregnant women, but that may turn out to be less about their pregnancy than their need to complain.
And for Easter, the consummate holiday about eggs, I will be having brunch with five other nonparents, enjoying the chance to drink Bloody Marys and to eat my own damn candy.
posted by zhl at 6:22 PM
11 Comments:
Wow, you're back! Glad to see a post from you. I don't even consider myself infertile anymore, rather, I missed my window, I started too late and now I get to complain about my early menopause symptoms. If you really are worried about people reading your blog that you don't want to, you can always go password protected or invited-reader only. Cuts out those thoughts about who is reading your blog.
Thanks letting us know you're all right. I'm glad the pain is not so acute any more.
Enjoy the Bloody Marys for Easter!
I am glad the sting lessens as time passes, I was begining to wonder about that myself. Have you considered creating just a whole new blog and then not telling the people you were concerned about snooping that you have it? You just become a whole new blogger?
In any case, I can understand the uncertainty about not being certain moving forward. Take your time - blog about boring stuff if you want- and we'll be here to support you regardless.
Good to see you posting again about anything. I have missed you, my fellow reader of signs ;)
I can totally relate. So glad to see you're back and will be sad to see you go. But, i feel kind of the same way, very inbetween. Being hopelessly infertile is, apparently, very boring in the blog world. It doesnt have the dramatic ups and downs of a cycle to keep readers coming. But then, i cant give up the writing.
Well, I'm 38 and very much not knocked up either, so at least there's some good company out here!
Good to see you're back!
Good to hear from you, it's hard not to know why you're not posting, you're right, a formal good bye would have been easier (although I'm glad that it isn't the end!).
Glad you are hanging in there, hope the candy was delicious.
Good to hear from you. Come back soon.
What? Just that one post and you leave us in the lurch again?
Please come back, pretty please.
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