Having a Bad Day
So once again I will not be pregnant for my birthday. Period started this morning. A 22-day cycle. Great. So you're probably thinking, "Duh, what was she thinking? She's not even doing anything."
Well, no. I'm not doing anything ART-related but I have been seeing an acupuncturist for three plus months now, and for the first time, I got a PEAK for two days on my fertility monitor. And we had sex. But of course, that hasn't worked for oh, three years now, so why do I get my hope up?
(Our tentative plan was been acu for six months, then another IVF, although I have tried many times to have the conversation with my husband that I am done. His face gets dark and sad, and I retract my statement. I just don't think it will work. I just don't think I will ever get pregnant. In fact, if you had to ask me the one thing I know, it's that. That I will never have a baby. How do I know? Aren't there things you just know?)
I've still got the fucking ringing in my ears despite two rounds of ineffectual antibiotics and one round of steroids. (Maybe that's it; I'm finally getting 'roid rage.)
And then my sister told me that our father finally told her last night that he is dating someone. We'd been suspecting for a while based on my sister's snooping and my father's recent spending habits. I thought I was okay with it. If he finds someone else, it means less work for us. We won't have to take care of him down the road. Less of a burden.
But still. He can't ever put his own children first. It would have been nice if he decided to finally get to know his own children in his old age. But no. It would be nice if he finally put our needs first. But no, silly, stupid me with my silly, stupid expectations. Before he even mentions this woman's existence to HIS children, he meets her fucking children.
And she's twenty years younger than him, making her only thirteen, make thatt twelve as my birthday is in three weeks, older than me, his youngest child. She's only seven years older than my brother. I don't know how old her kids are, but I'm betting that they will get much better treatment from my father than we have ever gotten.
And if they get married, she will end up spending my mother's money. The money that my father would never let her spend. The money that is not in a will. The money I know she would have given us to help with IF treatment; the money he has not offered.
My mother did not have a will, and I'm sure despite my repeated pleas for him to get something in writing in case something happened to him while she was in the nursing home, he still doesn't have a will. Wait, there was that totally condescending note he wrote and stuck in his drawer that we could have access to his funds if something happened. I'm sure a judge is going to accept a non-witnessed handwritten note stuck in a drawer. But then again my father said he didn't think it was a big deal if we had to go before a judge to get funds to pay for our mother should something happen to him while she was alive. He thought that with him dead or incapacitated, and my mother incapacitated, it would be no big deal for us to go to court.
Yes, that would be exactly what we would want to do.
That's the way he thinks. And that's why I try so hard to manage my expectations so he will not continue to disappoint me.
But you know what, fuck it. I want a father who puts my needs first, I want my mom, and I want a baby.
And I have none of these. Just a self-centered father and a period.
Well, no. I'm not doing anything ART-related but I have been seeing an acupuncturist for three plus months now, and for the first time, I got a PEAK for two days on my fertility monitor. And we had sex. But of course, that hasn't worked for oh, three years now, so why do I get my hope up?
(Our tentative plan was been acu for six months, then another IVF, although I have tried many times to have the conversation with my husband that I am done. His face gets dark and sad, and I retract my statement. I just don't think it will work. I just don't think I will ever get pregnant. In fact, if you had to ask me the one thing I know, it's that. That I will never have a baby. How do I know? Aren't there things you just know?)
I've still got the fucking ringing in my ears despite two rounds of ineffectual antibiotics and one round of steroids. (Maybe that's it; I'm finally getting 'roid rage.)
And then my sister told me that our father finally told her last night that he is dating someone. We'd been suspecting for a while based on my sister's snooping and my father's recent spending habits. I thought I was okay with it. If he finds someone else, it means less work for us. We won't have to take care of him down the road. Less of a burden.
But still. He can't ever put his own children first. It would have been nice if he decided to finally get to know his own children in his old age. But no. It would be nice if he finally put our needs first. But no, silly, stupid me with my silly, stupid expectations. Before he even mentions this woman's existence to HIS children, he meets her fucking children.
And she's twenty years younger than him, making her only thirteen, make thatt twelve as my birthday is in three weeks, older than me, his youngest child. She's only seven years older than my brother. I don't know how old her kids are, but I'm betting that they will get much better treatment from my father than we have ever gotten.
And if they get married, she will end up spending my mother's money. The money that my father would never let her spend. The money that is not in a will. The money I know she would have given us to help with IF treatment; the money he has not offered.
My mother did not have a will, and I'm sure despite my repeated pleas for him to get something in writing in case something happened to him while she was in the nursing home, he still doesn't have a will. Wait, there was that totally condescending note he wrote and stuck in his drawer that we could have access to his funds if something happened. I'm sure a judge is going to accept a non-witnessed handwritten note stuck in a drawer. But then again my father said he didn't think it was a big deal if we had to go before a judge to get funds to pay for our mother should something happen to him while she was alive. He thought that with him dead or incapacitated, and my mother incapacitated, it would be no big deal for us to go to court.
Yes, that would be exactly what we would want to do.
That's the way he thinks. And that's why I try so hard to manage my expectations so he will not continue to disappoint me.
But you know what, fuck it. I want a father who puts my needs first, I want my mom, and I want a baby.
And I have none of these. Just a self-centered father and a period.
posted by zhl at 11:48 AM
9 Comments:
I wish things were easier. I truly do. You're in my thoughts.
My goodness, your father sounds like a pretty aggravating person. Not what you need in difficult situation.
Oh man, that sucks. All of it. I wish there was something I could say to bring you out of this funk, but sometimes there just isn't. Thinking of you.
Sorry that everything sucks so much right now. Your father does sound like he's being incredibly thoughtless. Given how bad things are, is it worth making one last ditch attempt - writing to him saying something like, we are feeling a lot of financial hardship due to the medical issues we're dealing with. We would really appreciate some help now, rather than later. Or something.
Had to de-lurk for this one - I too lost my mother a few years ago, and my dad has remarried to a woman who is quite nice but is only 5 years older than me. In fact we went to the same high school. Furthermore, my sis and I are also biting our tongues whilst watching our inheritance slip away... because it's not supposed to be about money, and it WOULDN'T be, if we had any!
I agree with Thalia, surely it couldn't hurt to ask your dad for some support. I mean, he can't give you any LESS money, right?
I hope you won't mind this suggestion, but do you think your husband might agree to "we'll try again but at the same time, we'll start looking into donor egg/embryo or adoption"? It's so easy for men to say "let's keep trying," no one's shoving an ultrasound probe where the sun don't shine for them. It seems to me like you have had enough pain over the last few years. You deserve to have something you can feel hopeful about!
My husband has been really slow to consider options beyond a bio child. I keep bringing it up (on a good day, when I can manage) and he's slowly coming around. I think the guys often take longer to come to terms with it.
I'm sorry things are so hard with your Dad.
Yep, know what you mean - another birthday without a baby.
The stuff with your father sounds complicated and painful. Money, wills and family - ugh.
Take care.
I hear you about the birthday and not child. I would have been exactly 12 weeks on my birthdy, but that's no longer the case.
My father is a lot like yours, completly self-centered, he avoids anything that might mean he may have to offer any type of financial aid, God forbid that he's emotionally available. You know in Karma points the least the fates could do is let us have just one little one in exchange for the parent we've been saddled with. Well, I guess that's just my twisted way of thinking.
Please don't give up on your dream of having a baby. There is something to be said about the mind body connection. It's heart wrenchingly difficult to have each attempt fail, but in the end, I suppose all we really have is the hope that one day it will work.((hugs))
Man o man. i totally feel for you. My father divorced my mother when i was 16 and married someone else within days and she was only 6 years old than me.
It bites.
Hey, though, i'm reading this interesting book that's been helping me. It's called The Heroine's Journey by Maureen Murdock. Much has been written and said about the Hero's Journey. This one focuses on the needs of a woman to journey into herself and find wholeness once and for all. Apparently, having a hole in one's life is not uncommon for women, but is necessary to forcing us to finally unite the the ego and the self and feel comfortable with our soul.
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